Scrooged if You Touch Me Again Im Going to

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Frank Cross: It's Christmas Eve! It'south... it'south the 1 night of the twelvemonth when we all act a little nicer, we smile a lilliputian easier, nosotros... we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that nosotros always hoped we would be. It'southward a... miracle. It'southward actually a sort of a phenomenon. Because it happens every Christmas Eve. And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna fire for it, I know what I am talking about. You take to exercise something. Yous have to have a hazard. You exercise have to get involved. At that place are people that are having... having trouble making their miracle happen. There are people that don't have enough to eat, or people that are common cold. You lot can exit and say hullo to these people. You lot can take an quondam blanket out of the cupboard and say "Here!", you can make them a sandwich and say "Oh, by the way, here!" I... I get it now! And if you lot... if yous give, then it can happen, and so the miracle tin happen to y'all! It's not just the poor and the hungry, it's everybody's who'southward gotta accept this miracle! And information technology can happen tonight for all of you! If y'all believe in this spirit thing, the miracle will happen and and so you'll want it to happen again tomorrow. Yous won't be i of these bastards who says "Christmas is one time a twelvemonth and it'southward a fraud", it'due south NOT! It can happen every day, you've merely got to want that feeling. And if you similar information technology and you lot want it, you'll get greedy for information technology! Yous'll want it every mean solar day of your life and it can happen to you! I believe in it at present! I believe it's going to happen to me now! I'm ready for information technology! And it'south great. It'due south a good feeling, it's actually better than I've felt in a long fourth dimension. I, I, I'm ready. Accept a Merry Christmas, everybody.

[Calvin steps forward]

Frank Cross: Did I forget something, big man?

Calvin Cooley: [nods, speaks his starting time words in five years] God anoint us, everyone.

Frank Cantankerous: It's Christmas Eve! It's... it's the i nighttime of the year when we all deed a piddling nicer, we... we... we smiling a little easier, we... west-westward-we... we... we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that nosotros always hoped we would be!

Lew Hayward: I was a captain of industry; feared past men, adored past women.

Frank Cross: Adored! Come up on, allow's exist honest, Lew. You lot *paid* for the women!

Frank Cantankerous: I never liked a girl well enough to give her twelve sharp knives.

Daughter: Mom, when are we gonna get a existent Christmas tree?

Grace: When they're free!

Herman: Male child, that Dick sure knows how to beverage, huh?

Frank Cantankerous: Why do you go along calling me "Dick"?

Herman: I'm sorry, Mr. Burton, I guess we don't know you well enough yet to call yous Dick.

Frank Cross: Do you think I'm fashion off base here?

Elliot: Yes. You lot're, well, you're a tad off base, sir. That thing looked like The Manson Family Christmas Special!

Frank Cross: I'thou alive! Yes! I'one thousand *alive*!

Elliot: [aims a shotgun at Frank] Not for long!

Frank Cross: [looking effectually at battered surround] Well, this is nice. Where are nosotros, Trump Tower?

[Frank is confronted past the ghost of his old boss]

Frank Cross: No, y'all are a hallucination brought on by alcohol... Russian vodka poisoned past Chernobyl!

[Props man tries to adhere antlers to a mouse]

Props human: I can't get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, merely it don't work.

Frank Cross: Did you endeavour staples?

Frank Cross: I go it. You're taking me back in time to show me my mother and father, and I'm supposed to get all goosey and blubbery. Well, forget it, pal, you lot got the wrong guy!

Ghost of Christmas By: That's exactly what Attila the Hun said. But when he saw his mother... Niagara Falls!

Elliot: Hello, IBC program room.

Preston: This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air?

Elliot: Oh, uh, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir, but uh... he can't talk to y'all right now considering he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact, he just said that y'all were a flatulating butthead?

Preston: A butthead?

Elliot: He said he never felt that fashion about a man before, but you actually looked good in a suit.

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Seven o'clock. Psychos seize Santa'south workshop and but Lee Majors tin can finish them.

Santa Claus: It's Lee Majors! The Six Million Dollar Man!

Lee Majors: Santa, is there a back manner outta this place?

Santa Claus: Of course in that location is Lee, but this is one Santa who's going out the forepart door.

Lee Majors: Look, it don't thing a hill of beans what happens to me merely the world couldn't afford it if anything happened to you. Now stay put.

Santa Claus: Oh that's very nice of you, Lee. And Lee... You lot've been a real good boy this twelvemonth!

Mrs. Claus: Yes yous sure take!

[after pouring a saucepan of water on a waiter he thought was on burn]

Frank Cross: I'yard sorry. You know I idea you lot were Richard Pryor!

Ghost of Christmas By: You left Claire for Frisbee the dog? Frank, allow me sum this upward for you lot: you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on!

Frank Cross: I've made a few mistakes. I gotta live with that. But I exercise know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what's going on!

Ghost of Christmas Past: [the Ghost has disappeared into a monitor, and whistles to get his attention] Hey, Frank! Upward here!

Frank Cross: What's going on?

Ghost of Christmas Past: How should I know? I'm just the ghost! So long, sucker!

Claire Phillips: That'southward the one practiced thing about regret: information technology's never too late. You can always modify tomorrow if y'all want to.

Frank Cantankerous: Claire, the whole earth. Whole world, Claire.

Frank Cantankerous: Would you *please*, for the love of *god*, and your own body!, terminate the damn hammering?

Frank Cantankerous: I am the youngest president in the history of television receiver for a reason: I know the people.

Elliot: Well, uh... granted but the people already wanna watch the evidence.

Frank Cross: [a pause; shouting] That isn't proficient enough! They have got to be and then scared to miss information technology! So terrified!

[Quieter tone]

Frank Cantankerous: Now if I were in charge, and I am.

[laughs. IBC Executive laughs along with him but Frank looks at him and he shuts upward]

Frank Cross: Perchance I can assistance you. Hither's the kind of thing I would have washed. Grace, cue it upwardly.

[Frank stands in front of the screens. Thunder sounds and ominous music start playing]

Scrooge Promo Journalist: Acid pelting.

[Images and sounds of people screaming; Frank makes a screaming face]

Scrooge Promo Journalist: Drug addictions.

[Shows a guy groaning and shooting up on heroin. Scene changes to a jet taking off]

Scrooge Promo Journalist: International terrorism.

[Jet blows up in midair. Scene changes to a guy pulling a shotgun out of a car]

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Freeway killers.

[Guy with shotgun fires]

Scrooge Promo Journalist: Now more than ever...

Frank Cross: [Speaking along with announcer] Information technology is important to remember the truthful meaning of Christmas.

Scrooge Promo Announcer: Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal archetype Scrooge. Your life...

Frank Cross: [Speaking along with journalist] ... might just depend on it.

[Promo holds on the image of a nuclear explosion. Frank takes a sip of coffee and looks at the executives]

Frank Cross: Non bad, huh?

Frank Cantankerous: In that location are people who are having trouble making their miracle happen; at that place are people who don't have plenty to eat, in that location are people who are cold, you lot tin become out and say hello to these people. You tin take an old coating out of the closet and go to them and say 'Here!', you tin can brand them a sandwich and say 'oh by the style, hither!'

[last lines]

James Cross: My brother, the king of Christmas!

Earl Cross: All day long, I heed to people give me excuses why they can't piece of work... 'My dorsum hurts,' 'my legs ache,' 'I'thou only 4!' The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the ameliorate!

[Elliot points a shotgun right in Frank's face]

Elliot: How-do-you-do, wabbit!

Frank Cross: Could you give me a head showtime?

Elliot: Sure. One yard one, one m two, ane thousand three!

[he fires]

Lew Hayward: I don't listen y'all shooting at me, Frank, but have it piece of cake on the Bacardi!

Frank Cross: It's non besides late on Christmas Eve to take fun, you lot tin call an old college roommate, phone call, you lot know an old army buddy, call your personal banker. HEY! I don't hear any partying in that booth, Elliot!

Elliot: Bully!

[fires shotgun, silent pause down beneath on the set]

Elliot: Y'all heard him, political party!

Frank Cantankerous: Now why wasn't I invited?

Elliot: At present that was just an innocent window and you lot saw what I did to that! Ugh! You don't know who you're dealing with!

Frank Cross: It'due south a night, you gotta party hardy Marty!

Earl Cross: Hither Francis, I've got something for yous. Merry Christmas!

Frankie Cross: A choo-choo train?

Earl Cantankerous: No, it's five pounds of veal.

Frankie Cross: But Daddy I asked Santa for a choo-choo.

Earl Cross: Then go out and get a chore and buy a choo-choo.

Frank Cantankerous: Hey. Are you glad to see me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?

[toss gun abroad; information technology fires]

Frank Cantankerous: All right, you've heard it. How's this for a deal? I hire you dorsum, pay yous twice your original bacon, and offer you a vice president position. Would you like my office?

Elliot: No, I don't like your office.

Frank Cross: That's And so You!

Elliot: What'due south the catch?

Frank Cross: The take hold of...

[sniffs]

Frank Cross: ...is that you need to shower, little human. You are RIPE! Whoo!

Frank Cross: The Jews taught me this great word: Schmuck. I was a schmuck, and now I'one thousand not a schmuck!

James Cross: You know what they say about people who treat other people bad on the way up?

Frank Cross: Aye, you get to treat 'em bad on the way back downwardly as well. It'south great, you become two chances to rough 'em up.

[after Frank has been visibly touched past seeing his mother in 1955]

Ghost of Christmas By: Niagara Falls, "Frankie Angel".

Frank Cross: [wiping his eyes, pretending he hasn't been crying] I was touched by a gift. A 4-year-former kid receives what at today's prices is a $xl or $50 slice of milk-fed veal.

Ghost of Christmas Past: Frank, y'all still spent the adjacent 15 years on your ass watching Tv.

Frank Cross: [scoffs] I call up if you check the records, I did some stuff. I played baseball game. Ane twelvemonth, I hit the home-run that won the big game.

Ghost of Christmas Past: That was the kid on "The Courtship of Eddie'southward Father"!

Frank Cantankerous: [undeterred] At that place was another time, though.

Frank Cross: I was on a colina covered with flowers and there was a beautiful daughter with pigtails...

Ghost of Christmas Past: YOU ARE So PATHETIC! YOU ARE SO PATHETIC! That was "The Piddling House on the Prairie"!

Frank Cross: [beat out] Was information technology the "Homecoming" episode--?

Ghost of Christmas By: Yes, it was the "Homecoming" episode! Face it, Frank. Garden snails got more than out of life than y'all!

Frank Cross: You lot've got a promo featuring America'southward favorite old fart reading a book in front end of a fireplace! Now I take to kill all of you!

Frank Cantankerous: [to the abstract/impressionist portrait on the wall] Female parent... assist me.

Frank Cross: We're gonna need champagne for 250 people, and send the stuff that you lot send to me. Don't send the stuff that I send to other people.

[In the Ghost of Christmas Future funeral scene, we see Frank, hysterically terrified, banging within effectually the coffin, trying to escape and make things correct for himself before he is doomed for cremation. It is then that, in the side by side scene, the elevator doors open]

Frank Cross: [Screaming; banging on the elevator doors as they open] I wanna live!

[Frank is dorsum at the IBC Tv set Network headquarters office flooring, revealing that his doomed future has all been a hallucination]

Frank Cross: [Screams] I'M ALIVE!

[Hallelujah Chorus plays]

Frank Cross: [relieved] Holy shit, what a intermission! I'm at work!

[Glances at the network'south lord's day epitome equally Eliot holds a shotgun at Frank]

Frank Cross: Oh, God, information technology's the sun! I never thought I'd run across the lord's day again. I'chiliad alive!

Elliot: [enraged] Not for long!

Frank Cantankerous: [cheerful] Milkman! Ha!

[Frank hugs and kisses Eliot]

Frank Cross: I'm the Woodstock, baby! I'1000 gonna outset with y'all.

[kisses Eliot once again, this time on the lips]

Frank Cantankerous: You're one of my favorites. Come up hither! I'm alive so are you!

[still excited and full of joy]

Frank Cross: Hey! Are y'all glad to meet me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?

[Frank takes the shotgun, and so drops it, causing information technology to burn down a shot]

Frank Cross: Okay, you've heard it. Come on!

[shoves Eliot to the elevators]

Frank Cantankerous: Great!

Elliot: [frightened] Don't hurt me!

Frank Cantankerous: [holds out his right manus for a low five] Real alive! Pink slide!

[Eliot slaps on it...]

Frank Cross: Coming dorsum!

[then Frank slaps Eliot's paw...]

Frank Cross: Long sole!

[while Eliot slaps Frank'due south shoe sole]

Frank Cantankerous: You lot know this one?

[lifts Eliot's shirt and blows a raspberry nuzzle into his bellybutton]

Frank Cross: That'south my thing. I'm gonna practice this to everybody.

[blows a raspberry once more; Eliot laughs]

Frank Cross: All right, hither's the bargain.

[spins himself and Eliot around]

Frank Cross: I'll hire you dorsum, twice your original salary, and make you my Vice-President in charge of Programming, and I'll give an office upward here. Would you lot like my part?

Elliot: No, I don't like your office.

Frank Cantankerous: Ha, ha, ha!

[lets Eliot go]

Frank Cross: That'due south so yous!

Elliot: What'south the catch?

Frank Cantankerous: The catch, is that you lot gotta take a shower, little man. You are ripe! Whoa!

Elliot: [dislocated] There's a problem here. I was looking for a Francis Xavier Cross.

Frank Cross: That's me! But the great thing is, it'south non me! The Jews taught me this peachy discussion: Schmuck. I was a schmuck, and now... I'm not a schmuck.

[grabs Eliot's neck with his arm]

Frank Cross: Expect a minute. What time is it?

Elliot: Somebody store my lookout.

Frank Cantankerous: A quarter to! We didn't miss it! Ha, ha!

[playfully punches on Eliot's breast]

Frank Cross: We didn't miss it!

Elliot: Missed what?

Frank Cross: Christmas! Merry Christmas!

[throws Eliot into the lift]

Frank Cross: Wah-hoo! Are you alone in there? Nosotros're gonna have some fun. You and I are gonna accept some fun for once in this life, Loudermilk & Cross together.

[last lines afterward Frank Cross bankrupt the fourth wall by encouraging the viewers to bring together the bandage in singing "Put a Little Dearest in Your Middle"]

James Cross: [to Wendie and his friends, excited] My brother, the Rex of Christmas!

[Eliot burst inside the control room with his shotgun, knocking Brice unconcious]

Censor Lady: [screams] AAH!

Elliot: [yells] Shut upwards!

[holds the control room people earnest]

Elliot: Don't touch on that dial and stay on him!

Lew Hayward: I was a helm of industry. Feared by men, adored by women.

Frank Cross: Adored... Let'south exist honest Lou, you lot paid for the women.

[Frank has taken his gun out of his desk and fired it at Lew which caused some bullets to get through him and hitting a canteen of Bacardi]

Lew Hayward: I don't mind you hitting me Frank only take it easy on the Bacardi.

Preston Rhinelander: Frank, have you lot any idea how many cats at that place are in this country?

Frank Cantankerous: No, I don't have those... no.

Preston Rhinelander: Xx-seven million. Do you know how many dogs?

Frank Cross: In America?

Preston Rhinelander: Forty-eight 1000000. We spend four billion dollars on petfood solitary. Now I have here a study from Hampstead University which shows us that cats and dogs are get-go to watch television. At present if these scientists are correct, we should start programming right at present. Within xx years they could become steady viewers.

Frank Cross: Progamming? For cats?

Preston Rhinelander: Walk with me, Frank.

Frank Cross: [Frank whispers to his secretary, Grace, as they leave the office] Call the law.

Preston Rhinelander: Now I'1000 not maxim build a whole show around animals. All I'm suggesting is that we occasionally throw in a piffling pet appeal. Some birds, a squirrel...

Frank Cross: Mice.

Preston Rhinelander: ...mice! Exactly. You remember Kojak and the lollipops? What about a cop that dangles string as his gimmick? Lots of quick random deportment. Frank, wasn't there a doormouse in Scrooge?

Frank Cantankerous: No, but at present that you say it... I e'er felt that information technology needed a doormouse.

Preston Rhinelander: Doormice. Better.

Frank Cross: Bingo.

Frank Cross: [Screams and accidentally hits Grace] Oh God! Oh God! Grace, get picket the show! He's here for me! Come up on! Come up on! Give it to me!

[falls to knees]

Frank Cross: You lot think I'm afraid of you lot, the twenty-four hours I've had? I know what you came for. Come and become it, you pussy.

False Ghost of Christmas Future: Brice!

Brice Cummings: [Getting the Fake Ghost away from Frank, who'southward obviously been scared by him] Stop scaring Frank. Become this nutcake out.

Frank Cantankerous: Get me Standards and Practices, I want to run across Reece.

Frank Cantankerous: I'chiliad gonna give you a little advice, Claire... Scrape 'em off. Yous wanna save somebody? Save yourself!

Claire Phillips: Oh, well, that's a actually nice attitude on Christmas Eve!

Frank Cantankerous: Bah, humbug.

Frank Cross: Would yous please hold the goddamn hammering, now!

[Frank notices a picture of Santa and Mrs. Claus on the wall]

Frank Cross: Grace, what in the hell is this?

Grace: Oh, it's a painting, one of my kids did. Meet, there's Santa Claus and in that location's Mrs. Claus.

Frank Cross: Honey, how many fingers does Mrs. Santa Claus have here?

Grace: Eleven.

Frank Cross: Eleven. Right.

[rips it down]

Frank Cross: It'southward crap. Lose it. I don't want it on the wall.

[tosses it in the wastebasket]

Frank Cross: You're staying hither with me. We're working tardily.

Grace: But I accept to take my son to the doc.

Frank Cross: GRACE! When I work late, You lot work late!

Grace: Merely I made the appointment two months ago!

Frank Cross: [Inconsiderately] I DON'T Care!

Frank Cantankerous: [grabbing Grace]

Frank Cross: Nosotros're indivisible. If I'm working late, you GOTTA piece of work tardily! If yous can't work late, I can't work late! If I can't work late, I CAN'T Piece of work LATE!

[Telephone rings in the control room]

Conscience Lady: [picks upward the receiver, but is snatched by Eliot] Ouch!

Elliot: Hello, um, Control Room. How can I assistance you?

Preston: This is Rhinelander. I wanna talk to the idiot who put that moron on the air

Elliot: Oh, um, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir. But he can't talk to you right now 'crusade, uh, he'south tied upward.

[Brice is tied and restrained to a chair]

Elliot: Uh-huh. Yes. In fact, he only said that you were an flatulating butthead.

Preston: [shocked] A butthead?

Elliot: He said he never felt that way virtually a man before, simply he really liked you in a certain way.

[Brice growls and mumbles to explicate the truth, but to no avail; Preston, furious, then kicks one of his cats out of the mode]

[after the Ghost of Christmas Futurity shows him what happens to Calvin]

Frank Cross: This is a possible hereafter, right? This is do-able. I know the caput of pediatrics at NYU. We'll get this child out of here! I'm all over this!

[afterwards the Ghost of Christmas Future shows him that Claire could get an even worse version of herself, quoting Frank in the procedure]

Frank Cross: That was a lousy thing to exercise.

Frank Cantankerous: [pleading for his life to Elliot] Can't you go back to me after the holidays? I've had a bad day.

Elliot: You lot'VE "had a bad day"? Lemme tell yous about my day! I got fired, my wife left me, she took our picayune baby girl...

[aiming with gun, finds Frank]

Elliot: with her.

[fires gun]

Elliot: I can't think much after that because... e'er since so... I've been blind, stinking

[loudly slurs]

Elliot: Boozer!

[fires gun again]

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096061/quotes/qt2304916

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